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Al-Anon Alive 07/2010

If you are suffering because someone close to you drinks too much, there is a seat for you at this meeting.

What Do YOU Do about the Alcoholic’s Drinking?

Many of us who are close to an alcoholic have felt, at times, that somehow we were to blame for the problem drinking. We aren't. However, our determined, angry, or fearful efforts to do something about it or the problems resulting from it can make matters worse. In fact, many Al-Anon members have learned, "A drinking problem in the home can often be more easily recognized by the behavior of those living with the drinker than by that of the drinker."

It seems that no matter what we try, seldom are we able to make lasting improvements. Still, we persist in our futile efforts. After years of countless painful experiences, we in Al-Anon have come to realize that some of our attitudes and behaviors, though fairly common, are not helpful.

In looking back at our efforts to deal with the problem drinking of someone close to us, we found that many of us have tried a number of the following. Perhaps you, too, have tried a few of them.

We who live, or have lived, with active alcoholism have probably ...

·   Made excuses for the alcoholic drinking.

·   Tried to keep up appearances, making sure the alcoholics looked presentable.

·   Been sure to wake them in time for work, school, or other commitments; called to make excuses when they couldn't make it.

·   Covered up for them to the neighbors, rela­tives, and friends.

·   Made every effort to get food into them.

·   Stayed at home to keep out of sight of other people.

·    Gone out as often as possible to get away from it all.

We may have ...

·    Done all the chores around the house.

·    Supplemented or earned all the income.

·    Paid the alcoholic's bills, as well as our own.

·    Controlled all the finances, or at .least as much as we could get our hands on.

·    round employment for them, or helped them . with their work.

Some of us may have ...

·    Tried drinking with them, so that they wouldn't get so intoxicated.

·    Encouraged them to try controlled drinking, and then monitored their efforts.

·    Encouraged them to drink at home, so they wouldn't get into trouble.

·    Cleaned up when they vomited or worse; complained about it; then cleaned and com­plained again and again.

Others of us have

·    Told them to get out, so we wouldn't have to look at them; then sent the children to bring them home.

·    Gone out to look for them ourselves, or tele­phoned around to find them.

·    Told them not to yell at or hit the children, then yelled at or hit the children ourselves.

·    Complained that they didn't love us; denied it when they made the same complaint about us.

Many of us have

·    Loudly and bitterly resented the money spent on alcohol, then bought more, or given them money to buy more alcohol.

·    Poured the alcohol down the sink.

·    Blamed the drinking on their job.

·    Blamed it on their friends or the people they work with.

·    Denied that alcoholism was the cause of the problems, and blamed them on everything else.

We may have ...

·    Consoled the alcoholics when they felt sorry for themselves.

·    Told them not to feel so sorry for them-selves.

·    Used sex as a weapon to control them.

·    Refused to sleep with them; slept with them.

·    Kept on having children with them.

·    Cheated on them because they cheated on us.

We might have ...

·    Lied about the amount of money we owed or had on hand.

·    Run up bills so they wouldn't have enough left to spend on alcohol.

·    Tried to tie up the drinker's free time so there wouldn't be time to drink.

·    Bought all kinds of games and equipment trying to get them interested in something besides drinking.

·    Felt offended when the novelty wore off and they went back to drinking.

Practically all of us have

·    Worried over them.

·    Cried over them.

·    Given them the silent treatment.

·    Chased them out of the house.

·    Tried to reason with them.

·    Done everything we could to please them.

·    Walked on egg shells around them.

·    Hidden from them.

·    Waited on them; made them wait on them­selves.

·    Told them to telephone, and argued with them when they did.

·    Threatened to leave for good; failed to carry out the threat.

Some of us have

·    Called the police, gone to court with charges of assault, and then withdrawn the charges.

·    Kept ourselves and our homes spotless.  

·  Let ourselves and our homes fall apart.

·   Refused to take another beating.

·   Taken another beating-and another.

·   Beat them.

·   Begged them not to drive when drunk.

·   Gotten them out of jams that resulted from their drinking.

We have ...

·   Loved them and wanted them to love us.

·   Hated them.

·   Hated their friends or relatives.

·   Tried to get help for them.

• Prayed they would quit drinking.

• Prayed they would drink themselves to death.

·   Hoped they would break their necks before we did it for them.

·   Planned their funerals.

And finally ...

We may have forced them out of our homes or left home ourselves hoping to compel them to take action about their drinking.

Can you see how completely useless all these maneuvers are?

Do you see that this is not the sane and consistent behavior that is needed to face this serious problem?

It is a sad truth that the people who care most about a problem drinker often do more harm than good. By our own actions, we might actually help to prolong the drinking years and the agony that goes with them.

But there is a way out. Although many of us have reacted in self-defeating ways to the dis­ease of alcoholism, we found that by changing our own attitudes, we could find serenity and a satisfying way of life.

You can, too. You can help yourself and your loved ones by learning a better way to face the problem of alcoholism.

Here are some steps you can take today.

·  Accept the fact that there is a problem with alcohol, and that you can learn to deal with it.

·   Recognize that you have a right to dignity and a decent life.

·    Remember that many of the things said and done in anger, frustration, or despair may make matters worse.

·   Be aware that each of us can truly change only ourselves.

·   Attend Al-Anon meetings to find out how we deal with situations similar to yours.

You can find help.

Al-Anon Family Groups is an important source of help for anyone affected by someone else's drinking. Al-Anon groups are made up of family members and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other.

By regularly attending and participating in Al-Anon meetings you will find healthy, posi­tive ways of dealing with the difficulties that result from another's alcoholism.

Even if the alcoholic continues to drink, his or her relatives and friends can achieve serenity as a result of Al-Anon.

Look for the "Al-Anon" listing in your local telephone directory, and call to find a meeting near you. Stop by our meeting if you are in Milwaukee, WI.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Reflecting on each thought in the Serenity Prayer can help put situations into a clearer perspective.

About Us

The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of rela­tives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common prob­lems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.

Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alco­holics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by wel­coming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

Stop by our meeting if you are in Milwaukee, WI and have a friend or a loved one with a drinking problem.  

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Last modified: 07/13/10