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Al-Anon Alive 07/2010

If you are suffering because someone close to you drinks too much, there is a seat for you at this meeting.

I LEARNED TO LOVE

I am the wife of an active alcoholic. In the time I have been coming to AI-Anon meetings, my attitude has so changed that it has actually changed my life. Of all that Al-Anon has done for me, two things are truly significant.

First, I have learned to stop paying for the consequences of my husband's drinking. Even before I began to attend meetings, I had sent for the pamphlet entitled A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic. In it I read, "Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice." This impressed me, because I felt there was a great deal of injustice in my life. I went on to read that when a wife pays for the consequences of her husband's drinking, she removes the dimension of justice from her married life. This creates an atmosphere which soon can extinguish any love that does exist.

I learned that an alcoholic is a human being in pain, emo­tional pain. He uses alcohol as an anesthetic to escape from his pain. And it isn't until the pain he suffers from his drinking is worse than the pain he is trying to get away from by his drinking, that he will stop. When the wife pays for the consequences of his drinking, she removes some of the pain he might other· wise have to suffer. This deprives him of some of the incentive to take action and encourages him to go on drinking. When she assumes responsibility for his alcoholic behavior, she only in· creases his guilt feelings, which are already intolerable to him.

Paying for the consequences of a husband's drinking is no less damaging to the wife, because she feels she is being taken unfair advantage of, that her marriage is all one-sided. This leads to self-pity, resentment, bitterness and hatred.

As I looked at my life, I realized that this had been happen­ing to me.

After our first baby was born, I joined a bridge club. My hus­band never took me out, and we never entertained because he was always either drunk or hung over. And we were always too broke. I felt the need to go out; I wanted adult companionship, and looked forward to my Thursday evenings playing bridge. But my husband would stay out and get drunk on those nights, and since I had no one to stay with the baby, I would have to call at the last minute and apologize. Then I sat and stewed un­til my husband came home, whereupon I would unleash all my anger and frustration on him

After I read the pamphlet and started coming to Al-Anon meetings, I realized how foolish I had been. A baby-sitter solved the problem very simply. I had always been afraid to get a baby­sitter before, either because we couldn't afford it or because I was ashamed to have her see my husband drunk. But since Al-Anon, I'm not afraid anymore and when my husband doesn't come home, I just call the sitter and go out and have my much needed diversion. Since he has to pay her, it automatically removes my excuse for resentment and helps to relieve his guilt. And having to pay, even in this small way, adds to the unpleasantness of his drinking episode, and adds to the pain he suffers as a result of his drinking.

On occasions when I received gifts of money for birthday or Christmas, he would usually find an excuse to "borrow" it. There was always a reason - an urgent bill to pay or a necessity to buy. It occurred to me that if I hadn't happened to have the money, he would be forced to find a way to meet the obliga­tions. For after all, the cost of his drinking far outweighed our bills. But his arguments were so convincing that I was always persuaded to hand over the money, and whatever I had set my heart on buying would become another frustrated dream.

Each time this happened I promised myself it would be the last, but it never was. My anxiety over the unpaid bills or the badly needed clothing would get to me, so that I would once again hand over the money-until Al-Anon. I learned that what I was doing only amounted to paying for the consequences in another way, and I kept myself from doing it, although it wasn't easy. Now he manages somehow to pay the bills and buy the necessities without my help, and I can look forward to a small luxury now and then.

These are but a few instances-all different versions of the same thing. But since Al-Anon, my change of attitude has already brought a noticeable improvement in our situation.

The other thing that Al-Anon has done to bring about this "miracle" of improvement is to help me see myself as I really was and am. I had been in Al-Anon several months when I began to take the Fourth Step ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"). I never would have been able to attempt this but for the acceptance I'd received from the others in Al-Anon, and if I hadn't been present to listen to the stories that others told so frankly at our meetings.

I had always had a need to appear perfect before others and, indeed, even to myself. I dreaded criticism and feared losing the esteem of others if I admitted to even a minor fault. The last thing I wanted was an honest appraisal of myself. But once I began to understand a little of Al-Anon principles, I realized

how foolish this was. These other members were admitting their shortcomings, yet they were still loved and accepted. Once I gathered the courage to face some introspection, I didn't like one thing that I saw! I had to face the fact that I was selfish, vain, arrogant, self-righteous, immature and wallowing in self-pity. In fact, I realized that I had been emotionally ill for a long time, even before I met my husband.

Through working with this Fourth Step, I was able to unearth a guilt that had been haunting me for years, and through the Fifth Step ("Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs") to get rid of it.

As I continued to study the Fourth Step, my self-examination revealed that my need for punishment had been the main reason for marrying my husband. This was the first time in our married life that I was able to admit I didn't love him, and never had. I had married him for purely neurotic and selfish reasons. Whenever a doubt about my love for him had crept in­to my mind, I quickly pushed it out with the thought that I couldn't possibly have put up with him all these years if I didn't love him. But now, in Al-Anon, the obstacles of pride and self-righteousness were slowly being removed. I faced the truth that it had been convenient for me to marry my husband, not only because it provided the punishment I subconsciously craved, but because beside him I looked so great-just what I needed to keep up my pretense of perfection. After all, people were so busy finding fault with him that nobody would criticize me, the patient martyr.

Then I found I no longer hated my husband, for Al-Anon had taught me he was not to blame for his drinking. I knew he couldn't control it although I still blamed him for not seeking

help. But Al-Anon taught me that this is just another symptom of the same illness.

When I faced this fact, I suddenly felt helpless and ashamed.

I had a great need for prayer, and turned to God, asking Him to help me learn to love. I thought, "How are my children going to grow up loving one another, loving their father-how can they even know what love is, if I don't know?" When I married my husband, it was for life. Yet I know that, having faced the truth, I could not live a lie. Prayer was my only hope, God was my only answer. He who loves us all, He who urged us to love one another as He loves us, surely He could help me learn to love.

God has answered my prayer. I am conscious of love welling up in me. After five years of marriage, I now love my husband despite the fact that he is still drinking and our life is still very difficult at times. I have begun to see many beautiful and ad­mirable things in him. I care for him as a person, I feel a new warmth and compassion for him.

In my earlier meetings at Al-Anon, my friends there must have thought me very good at the "detachment" that is recom­mended in dealing with the alcoholic problem. I was, indeed, detached, not from his alcoholism but from him. I just didn't care what happened to him. Now I do care, very much, al­though I am trying to maintain detachment from the illness itself.

I am learning to replace despair, unhappiness and resent­ment with hope, happiness and serenity-because I am learn­ing what it is to love. I am grateful to be alive, whatever hap­pens. Before Al-Anon, life seemed something to be endured un­til we could go to our eternal reward for all the things we'd suf­fered. I know now that there are many things to be enjoyed in

this lovely world, and I enjoy them, minute by minute and day by day, building strength and serenity for whatever may come. Since I have stopped feeling sorry for myself, I've become aware of other people. I enjoy the fruits of friendship and bask in the warmth that such friendship can bring. I've learned to give of myself and am no longer so fearful of people.

For these, and all the many other benefits I have had, I am grateful to Al-Anon.

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Last modified: 07/13/10